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An Errant Goodbye

“What does the coma represent to you? What idea were you trying to get across with the symbolism?”

“I just thought it was funny. When I was writing, he ended up in a coma and I said, ‘Hey, that’s weird.  I wonder what’s gonna happen?’”

— Bob Byington, director/writer of Harmony & Me, and a slightly pretentious Traverse City Film Festival audience member during a Q&A.

When writing – something totally not grasped by non-writers – things happen.  Narratives, stylistic choices, and main topics go places you didn’t quite expect.  At some point you stop and say, “Huh.  That’s weird, I wonder what happens next?”

This happened with the blog, happened in my reviews, and happened with the people who stumbled across it.  Who knew that including an incest-riddled review with the words “sleeping with your stepmom” would drive in the most traffic to the blog?  People utilized search terms like “stepmom incest true stories”, “stepmom xxx”, “how to know if your stepmom wants to fuck” to find me.  But my personal favorite search term still remains: “how to subtly convince my boyfriend to join the military”.  Now the last two terms are posed more as a question, and I feel bad, because this site never ventured to answer them.  The searchers had their own coma incident: they were looking for something else, and ended up getting movie reviews.  They were misled by a wildly restrictive search string, and clicked on my link in vain.  To them: I’m sorry.  Please try “Stepmom * seduction * me –porn OR –pornography” this will limit you to results with the words stepmom, seduction, and me while eliminating the words porn or pornography from the search.  Good luck.  To boyfriend hater: try “manipulate * join+military”.  Good luck.  I also am aware that these search strings may not yield results, those probably aren’t topics with much helpful information on the Internet.  Therefore, let me offer another olive branch.  Let’s break the questions down.

How do I know if my stepmom wants to fuck?

This is a toughie.  I don’t have a stepmom, and know very few kids who’ve tapped their stepmom.  You have to remember one thing about this: she’s married to your Dad.  Keep this in mind, ‘cause you’ll have to gauge her intentions quietly.  Look for subtle, nonverbal hints: does she play with her hair when talking to you?  Does she lick her lips?  Mimic your body movements?  You have to judge this against her normal type of behavior – she could just be a natural flirt, or a horny Step-MILF.  Don’t just judge nonverbal cues, but look at her overt actions as well.  Is she sleeping with the poolboy?  What about your next neighbor, or even your best friend?  If the answers to any of these are yes, you’re probably in.  Unless she has rules about step-family members, then you’re fucked – and not in the way you want.  In the end though, it’s all about taking chances.  ASK!  What’s the worse that can happen?  Horribly awkward dinners and a fall out with your father and Stepmom?  Just go away to college and never visit.  Problem solved.

How do I subtly convince my boyfriend to join the military?

Good question!  When you’re afraid to break up with someone, it’s best to force them into the military.  The military offers a lot of recruiting pitches that will come in handy, but don’t use these exclusively, he’ll catch on, but instead of dropping, “hey, we could afford college on the GI Bill”, or “Wow, the military installs such a sense of self-discipline and motivation” focus on the more unconscious aspects of joining the military.

Every time you see an old high school acquaintance on leave from the military remark, “God, he looks great in an uniform.  Be careful!  I may just go AWOL on you!”  Wink and give him kisses so he knows you’re not entirely serious, but that you’d still go there.  This works better if you hated the kid in high school, but work with what you got.

Every time a military themed movie pops up on TV, stop and watch for a few minutes until you see the strapping male lead in full uniform.  At this point shout “YUM!” as loud as you can.  He’ll get the point.  He’ll also probably stop watching movies with you, as this is incredibly annoying, and you can go back to watching The Hills in peace.  I’d also sign him up for every military mailing list ever.  Every time a new recruitment direct mailer rolls in, glance over it a few times and note, “You’d look really hot in uniform.”  Then the next time you two are out shopping for clothes suggest your local Army/Navy surplus store just because you’d “die to see him in some camo.”  This could also turn him into a hick, so proceed with caution.

But the most surefire way to subtly convince him to join the military lies in his family dynamic.  Remember the story of Xavier.  Does he have a stepfather or stepmom?  Get the stepparents to sleep with the stepkids or stepcousins.  Who wouldn’t join the marines to get out of that situation?

Once he joins, wait a few weeks into basic training (or if you can hold off, after basic when he is assigned to a base) and break up with him.  Remember – it’s not you, or him, it’s the distance.  Wish him well, and send a care package.  You’re totally free to fuck around during the time he’s in basic when you’re “technically” together.  Everyone will just think you’re a whore, but you’re probably used to that.

I hope this helps, after 17 weeks of imparting film opinions and observations I decided to help out the few, the misguided, the errant Google Searchers.  I hope this helps, and I wish you all luck on your future endeavors.  I know I’m taking a few weeks off from writing, spending money on overpriced movie tickets and concessions before I come kicking and screaming back with something else to write about.  Maybe by then you’ll have slept with your stepmom, convinced your boyfriend to enlist, or have a really good movie I just need to see.

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