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Jesus is my boyfriend (Or, How to get laid the Christian way)

May 17, 2010 3 comments

Christian worship music has done a great service for many people, and not in the way you think. It’s helped thousands of people express their love for the object of their desire–a girl and/or boy. If you’re confused, you obviously never actually followed the worship leader’s instructions to “not just sing–but think of what the words really mean!” If you did you’d realize these are the perfect songs to sing to a crush. The sappy, head-over-heels, I have eyes for nobody but you, babe lyrics and incredibly simplistic music makes them perfect for anyone in a jam come Valentine’s Day and anniversary’s. Because nothing screams love more than vague lyrics about a more-or-less undefinable feeling.

What? Don’t believe me? Take a listen.

My brother Jordan, Honorary brother Stu, and I got together to showcase some of the best examples of the “Jesus is my boyfriend” genre. We had a one simple rule: only change words that referred to God, or a God Event specifically (Jesus, Lord, God, Creation, etc.). Some words were changed to match the rhyming scheme that had changed due to taking God out of song, but we kept it close to the original meaning as possible. On a couple of songs we didn’t have to change a damn thing.

Three observations that came out of this project:

  1. These songs are amazingly dirty when they are about a girl.
  2. These songs are amazingly bad when they are about a girl.
  3. How the hell are these songs popular?

So, for the romantically challenged coming up on an important relationship date, fear not, we got the out for you. Here are 7 “Jesus is your boyfriend” songs.

Better Is One Day
(There is a Song of Solomon inspired version [NSFW for you non-Christianese speaking people] of this that will remain unrecorded, but it’s bad.)

(Original: Better Is One Day)

Faithful
(We had a little bit more fun with this one–it’s now about either (1) a cheating boyfriend, (2) a stalker girlfriend, or, (3) both.

(Original: No idea.)

Indescribable
(Billy Collins pretty much sums up why this type of writing sucks.)

(Original: Indescribable | The Reference to the Girl)

I Want To Know You
(We changed only a few words in this–possibly less than 5?)

(Original: I Want To Know You)

Let My Words Be Few
(Another we changed less than 5 words on)

(Original: Let My Words Be Few)

Madly
(Uh, yeah, we didn’t have to change anything on this but they got a little carried away at the end. In a hilarious way.)

(Original: Madly)

No One Like You
(Another one where we didn’t have to change much. Also notice the chord progression on this song.)

(Original: No One Like You)

So, grab a bouquet of flowers, your guitar, and go woo a girl in the sappiest way possible. Also possible to woo with these songs: your perception of Jesus.

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